grease is good. well sometimes. i went to a sichuan joint [chungking in alhambra] with the world famous rapliptologist mc neutrogena benzoyl and the ever so sessy bim bim chong. hey fuck you LA, i roll with celeberties. gettin our meals comped. free blowjobs in the kitchen. i like to dip my ballnuts into raw meat. its my own lil thang thang. dont worry about it.. but i digress.

let's get back onto the topic of why youre a bitch and why you like to suck it. see, the grease at this joint wasnt in excess per se. but there is an art to ordering food at them chinaman restaurants. scroll back my bitches, and you will see that meester benzoyl dropped by on my personal blog to try and explain himself. but that aint workin brohaminam. my dude is like a fucken food critic. so i trust his instincts. but i think the ordering of the food was a lil off that night.

first we had some fish slices in a oil bath. shit was tasty. a lil on the oily side but it was so damn delicioso. it had konyaku in it tho. and im not a fan of konyaku. dudes in japan warm that shit up and fuck it like a jello block pussy. i kid you not. ive yet to try that myself, but in the case that i do, i'll give a full comparative write up between konyaku and the real deal. im talking punanynany. cootycoo. the stankbox. omanko.

yeah, next we had some chinese bacon and onion thing. that again was hell of oily. but i love me some bacon. so i overlooked it.

mapo tofu. this was the centerpiece of the meal. well, actually it shoulda been the fish, but i was so impressed with the good tofu and that OG sichuan pepper sting that my cap goes off to the mapo beeeiiitches.

we had some over cooked greens. i mean, someone. give me something to cut this greazy ass film in my mouf. fuck the greens. they straight fucked that shit up. i didnt even eat the leftovers. i tossed that shit out. slimy ass shit. my chinese doggs, plaese to be not fucking up the greens. thats all i fucken ask.

we had a appetizer, pickled nothern cabbage which SURPRISE SURPRISE was drenched in oil. you fucken slanteyed shitpiles. stop fucking up my vegetables! stop it! ok. im sorry. im supposed to be all sensitive to politicking or whatever so disregard that slope comment. my bad doggies. you cool. the mapo was good and i dug the bacon and the fish and it was our fault, no correction, it was my asiaphile homeboys fault for ordering wrong. so howa howa or whatever yall say. mgoi bitches. for reals. it was tasty. our bad for fucken up the order. you greazy ass nips. oh! slipped. sorry about that.

anyways, i know mc bentro gonna feel like he needs to respond and defend himself. you all know how temperamental these rapper dudes are. i mean, he might try and shoot me or get one of his boys to shoot me or some shit which i'll throw up the dub nyaggga westside fo life cousin dont test and then its a connecticut vs. cali throwdown what! ok. enjoy your food bitches.

so i broke bread with some white folks this weekend. well, actually, i think they were both jewish, but stop bullshittin, that's white too.

yeah, so i was stranded out in pasadena and one of them white boys is like "oh they got some good mexican food in pasadena" and dude was jewish from connecticut and my boy [the other white boy i was with] is also jewish and from connecticut and he has great taste in food so i made the mistake of taking his word for it.

ok, first off, white folks dont know what good ethnic food is. just as a rule of thumb, if some cracker-ass-cracker tells you he knows of this great [fill in ethnicity here] restaurant, just disagree. really. you want that real shit, 9 times out of 10 you aint gonna hear about it from some whitey.

so we pull into Tony's Restaurant in Pasadena. sorry, i dont remember the address but who gives a shit cuz im not at all recommending this place so put your dicks back in your pants you sick fucks. yeah, it looks promising. there were a few drunk mexican dudes out back by the parking lot. got one of them banda only jukeboxes. all good signs. honestly, the food wasnt that bad, but i ordered a staple of mines and that shit was not cool.

some points of interest when dining with white folks.

1. the waitress automatically brings out some ketchup to the table and takes away the tapatio.
2. no beer was served at this restaurant, but if youre white, theyll let you bring in your own beer.

yeah, so there we were chillin with a 24 pack of heineken and a bottle of ketchup. the waitresses were cute and really friendly which is always a plus. not none of this thai hooker bullshit they got in the valley. im talking firme hinas, mi gente.

i see they have machaca on the menu and machaca is like my most favoritest burrito ever ever EVER. if you aint never fucked with no machaca, i suggest you get to fucken. bitches. youll love sucking meat from your teef for hours afterwards. oooh, and the onion bell pepper lard burps are oh so tasty and fragrant. but i digress. this wasnt about good machaca. this was about some dried up stringy bullshheeeeeiiieeeeiiiitt.

see, the key to good machaca, is the tenderness and juicyness of the meat. oh, and the seasoning of the meat. oops, and the right blend of onions and peppers and egg. that's right motherbitches i said egg. they throw egg up in that bitch and sometimes cheese. Tony's served it with your choice of rice beans or hash brown potatos. and ive never had it with the papas so i was like potato! fucken big mistake.

first off the meat was HELLA STRINGY. i mean, its supposed to be shredded beef but you shouldnt have to gnaw on it like some goddamn mexican beef jerky. the meat was dry and there was absolutely no flavor to the meat. plus she asked me if i wanted egg with it. motherfucker hell yeah i want egg on that thing give it some semblance of juicyness you fucken torta. no no. im sorry. that was uncalled for. the waitress was cool. but anyways, fuck it. goddamn no flavor having burrito making mother-effers. fix that shit right goddammit. you realize the impact my blog will have on your business?!? i am the jesus h christ of this shit. i make whiskey from water you miserable shits. yeah, so anyways, i thought the potato would balance out the rich flavors of shredded beef sitting in a vat of warm lard. instead it just doubled up on the blandness of the whole thing. i was so disappointed.

ok, i cant fault my new white friend. he was a real cool cat. but you cannot find a new england white boy that can adequately select good mexican food. its impossible. simple as that. they might now a thing or two about coal fired new haven pizza though. or so i hear...

yeah motherfuckers. i stole this picture from some other piece of shit blogger asswipe that scooped me on the krua thai review. excpet my review will kick his stupid shit in the ballsack. so get on my hype.

so here it is. krua thai. i went with bim bim cuz that fool jonathan gold said it was good last year and i trust that fruit's opinion. and he did not dissapoint.

that picture youre seeing the the krua thai pad thai. its got all kinds of shit in it like shrimp, tofu, ground pork, them lil fishy-ass dried shrimps, you name it. but who gives a shit about the food. let's talk about the important shit. the waitresses.

my fellers, jimmy your fat ass off that couch and run down to krua thai [13130 Sherman Way North Hollywood, CA 91605 (818)759-7998]. they got some HOT thai waitresses in that shit. and they squeeze their tiny asses into an all black lycra thing. service is pretty good too. like, the menu is so huge we didnt know what to order so i asked the hot waitress what it do and she hooked that shit up. all trying to give shiggy the sex-eye and shit so i took it in the walk in fridge and worked it out on a bed of bean sprouts. by the way, stay away from the peanut sauce for at least 2 or 3 weeks. im just sayin.

and if that wasnt good enough. lo and behold three 4 ft tall asian chicks with fucken balloon titties come clickity clackin through the door. porn stars i tell you. i mean, sure they were nasty and had their shit stretched out so that their nipples were pointed straight up at the ceiling, but god dammit porn star tang and thai ice tea are the perfect combo to these santa ana winds type of afternoons. i mean, i got sweaty with these skanks on the patio and ate grilled tilapia out their asses. so necessary. so in closing.

Krua Thai
Food: 9/10
Service: 9/10
Hotness of Waitress: 9/10
Porn Star Clientele: 7/10