why you stupid trick azz hoe skeezerslut skank motherfuckers. i leave the blog for 1 year and the whole world goes apeshit. polar ice caps start melting. scientistfolks clone dick cheney. christina ricci gets a eating disorder and her boobies shrink. and a MOTHEREFFEN PINKBERRY ON EVERY BLOCK. well this has simply GOT TO STOP! yes, you can all pull your headz out your asses cuz shig macbatches is back to save you all. but first i gotta get shit off my chest.

GODDAMNSUNZABITCHMOTHERFUCKSHITASSHOLECUNTPUSSYSCROTALFUCKENEGGSACSHITBAG MOTHERFUCKEN NEW KAJU MARKET ON 5TH AND WESTERN!!!!!! alright look. affirmirmative action bibbity bobbity boo yeah whatever. go ahead and post all your sale signs in korean. go head and meanmug a shig at the checkout. go head and run your freezer section at -273kelvin subarctic motherfucken freeezing ass ice cold shit. but look. first of all, YOUR BEER SECTION IS WARM. WARM MOTHERFUCKERZZZ! SHIKIYA HANKOOK SHITFUCKS! how u gon have a rockhard frozen stouffeurs bibimbap and a warm beer? and you know what? im not even mad about that. my real problem is your dumpling section. i mean, ok, freeze them shits till their fossilized. i dont care. but can i please get a mothereffen mushroom dumpling? everytime i go to the dumpling section you got all them shits thrown in there willy nilly. mixed around. upside down. aint never a package of dumplings in the same place twice. the fuck is this shit? a mothereffen sudoku puzzle you bitches? and you buy like 100 different varieties of dumpling from another 100 manufacturers. and ALL THE SIGNS ARE IN KOREAN!!!!!! i mean, go head and leave them shits in korean, i dont care. but whatever is korean for "mushroom dumpling" please for the love of korean jesus actually put the fucken mushroom dumplings there. dont move them on me. i spent a half hour sorting through them shits. like you know when its the nordstroms half yearly mens sale and they just set up a card table and splay out polo socks on that shit and you got 1 grey sock and you diggin around thru that shit looking for its homeboy. you know how frustrating that shit is? but that shit is on sale. not some $5 or maybe $4 or maybe $6.99 sack o dumplings. I DONT KNOW CUZ ITS IN KOREAN! oh christ. i was gonna slap the bosco cakes lady on the way out just for kicks. lucky for her i am a motherfucken gentleman. i swear to god they are lucky theres the korean mcgriddle van out front. calms the soul.

in closing, id like to forgive new kaju cuz im real jesus like that. and try the mcgriddle truck out front. and you fanboys, dont just stroke my dick, cup my fucken balls too you ungrateful assplugs. i love you all.

the goddamn food paparazzi. motherfucken picture takin nipponese tourists and their god damn digital cameras. you know what? digital cameras have fucken ruined the world of food blogging. and god dammit, i got a army of little bitches just like you that are waiting by the walkie talkie ready for my call to arms.

so check it out. i roll out last weekend to some shithole of a town called arcadia. whatever, where it was isnt important. what's important is that the food was horrible, and that i rolled with 3 folliolio food blogging goofballs. that's right. so it was me, my bitches. and my hoes, cant forget my hoes. and 3 food bloggeratin corndogs. yeah, so when the food starts coming out, there's three mofos hovering around a plate of rice like its angelina jolie and her big ass left tittie just popped out her dress. i swear, can we just enjoy this shitty food please? yeah, so anyways, we ordered a bunch of shit. noodles, some onion pancakes that, surprise, didnt have any onions in that bitch. like, what the fuck chinaman, it aint like green onion are rare like french truffles or some shit. go ahead and pack that shit in there. see that sticky rice picture? that shit was horrible. it looks like these taiwanese fools emptied out a tofu pack stuffed with stale rice and slapped it down on a plate. screw that shit.

anyways, if i ever catch a food blogger "out in the field" there's gonna be trouble son. i roll deep and i carry my own silverware. someone's gon catch a fork in their fucken head. keep your goddamn digital cameras in your man purses, bitches. shiggy dont play.

SAUSAGE FEST. yeah you whiny bitches, a motherfucken sausage fest. thought id start the new year off right and treat you to a smorgasbord of dickshaped meat tubes for your utter delight. well well well my minions. seems as though ive been neglecting your sorry asses, and i would apologize except you all are worthless pieces of pig gristle and i dont chew the fat cuz. i spit.

anyways, this here sausage fest is in honor of thee one thee only BENTROGENA. my main shit stain. partner in brine. now you see, bentrogena, a mildly devout jew, kicked off the xmas scarfs with his very own jesus h christ mas party at his estate. yeah, this shylocks got a bee in his yamulka about some spanish cuisine. in part because my man is a world traveler and had just gotten back to this dump of a town from a 3 week stay in faggity europe. prolly sippin lil cups of coffee, eatin cheese and wine and pig livers. you know, the kind of foods pussies eat. but let me not deter the faint of heart, the dude can cook. and cook he did. it is rumoured that BENTROGENA traveled on the elusive los angeles metro bus system from echo park to harbor city. HARBOR FUCKEN CITY BATCHES!~!!!! i mean, that shit can be counted as imported goods goddammit. anyways, brohaminam heard about some spic market down in harbor city and came back with a grip o shit. i mean we had green olives with anchovies, $12 dollar chick peas with weiner sausages,...fuck man, i know im forgetting some shit. OH, some sort of cured spanish pancetta with weiner baguette. anyways, you following me here? the weiner shapes and shit? yeah, bitches, and HO's. cant forget my ho's. there was plenty of weiner to go around.

but i digress. the food was excellent, and any of you single tramps out there that are all fucken stupid and lazy and wont cook, well see, you dont have to worry about that shit with BENTROGENA. but here's the catch.

being a culinary expert like myself, i have combed the world over searching for the perfect meal. the perfect beverage. the perfect after ho-sex chocolate mint. and yes, the perfect fart. good god almighty spanish chorizo is no joke. NO JOKE!!!! you eat a bite of that shit and i swear to satan you will kill someone with your farts. i mean, im a guy. were all grown ups. so i think i can feel comfortable in saying that i sniff my own farts. that's right, bitches. what the fuck are you gonna do about it? shut the FUCK up. but anyways, my peoples, i could not even bear to sniff my own gaseous delight after eating that much spanish chorizo. fucken nightmare.

so i leave you gastronomical poptarts with this. you want that ammo. your big brother always fucking with you? big bully giving you tittie twisters and purple nurples? my nerdy lil pissants, eat yourself that sausage you dick eatin shitheads and i promise, no i guarantee that you will HURT someone.

in closing, thanks to BENTROGENA for introducing me to one of the worlds most perfect foods.

grease is good. well sometimes. i went to a sichuan joint [chungking in alhambra] with the world famous rapliptologist mc neutrogena benzoyl and the ever so sessy bim bim chong. hey fuck you LA, i roll with celeberties. gettin our meals comped. free blowjobs in the kitchen. i like to dip my ballnuts into raw meat. its my own lil thang thang. dont worry about it.. but i digress.

let's get back onto the topic of why youre a bitch and why you like to suck it. see, the grease at this joint wasnt in excess per se. but there is an art to ordering food at them chinaman restaurants. scroll back my bitches, and you will see that meester benzoyl dropped by on my personal blog to try and explain himself. but that aint workin brohaminam. my dude is like a fucken food critic. so i trust his instincts. but i think the ordering of the food was a lil off that night.

first we had some fish slices in a oil bath. shit was tasty. a lil on the oily side but it was so damn delicioso. it had konyaku in it tho. and im not a fan of konyaku. dudes in japan warm that shit up and fuck it like a jello block pussy. i kid you not. ive yet to try that myself, but in the case that i do, i'll give a full comparative write up between konyaku and the real deal. im talking punanynany. cootycoo. the stankbox. omanko.

yeah, next we had some chinese bacon and onion thing. that again was hell of oily. but i love me some bacon. so i overlooked it.

mapo tofu. this was the centerpiece of the meal. well, actually it shoulda been the fish, but i was so impressed with the good tofu and that OG sichuan pepper sting that my cap goes off to the mapo beeeiiitches.

we had some over cooked greens. i mean, someone. give me something to cut this greazy ass film in my mouf. fuck the greens. they straight fucked that shit up. i didnt even eat the leftovers. i tossed that shit out. slimy ass shit. my chinese doggs, plaese to be not fucking up the greens. thats all i fucken ask.

we had a appetizer, pickled nothern cabbage which SURPRISE SURPRISE was drenched in oil. you fucken slanteyed shitpiles. stop fucking up my vegetables! stop it! ok. im sorry. im supposed to be all sensitive to politicking or whatever so disregard that slope comment. my bad doggies. you cool. the mapo was good and i dug the bacon and the fish and it was our fault, no correction, it was my asiaphile homeboys fault for ordering wrong. so howa howa or whatever yall say. mgoi bitches. for reals. it was tasty. our bad for fucken up the order. you greazy ass nips. oh! slipped. sorry about that.

anyways, i know mc bentro gonna feel like he needs to respond and defend himself. you all know how temperamental these rapper dudes are. i mean, he might try and shoot me or get one of his boys to shoot me or some shit which i'll throw up the dub nyaggga westside fo life cousin dont test and then its a connecticut vs. cali throwdown what! ok. enjoy your food bitches.

so i broke bread with some white folks this weekend. well, actually, i think they were both jewish, but stop bullshittin, that's white too.

yeah, so i was stranded out in pasadena and one of them white boys is like "oh they got some good mexican food in pasadena" and dude was jewish from connecticut and my boy [the other white boy i was with] is also jewish and from connecticut and he has great taste in food so i made the mistake of taking his word for it.

ok, first off, white folks dont know what good ethnic food is. just as a rule of thumb, if some cracker-ass-cracker tells you he knows of this great [fill in ethnicity here] restaurant, just disagree. really. you want that real shit, 9 times out of 10 you aint gonna hear about it from some whitey.

so we pull into Tony's Restaurant in Pasadena. sorry, i dont remember the address but who gives a shit cuz im not at all recommending this place so put your dicks back in your pants you sick fucks. yeah, it looks promising. there were a few drunk mexican dudes out back by the parking lot. got one of them banda only jukeboxes. all good signs. honestly, the food wasnt that bad, but i ordered a staple of mines and that shit was not cool.

some points of interest when dining with white folks.

1. the waitress automatically brings out some ketchup to the table and takes away the tapatio.
2. no beer was served at this restaurant, but if youre white, theyll let you bring in your own beer.

yeah, so there we were chillin with a 24 pack of heineken and a bottle of ketchup. the waitresses were cute and really friendly which is always a plus. not none of this thai hooker bullshit they got in the valley. im talking firme hinas, mi gente.

i see they have machaca on the menu and machaca is like my most favoritest burrito ever ever EVER. if you aint never fucked with no machaca, i suggest you get to fucken. bitches. youll love sucking meat from your teef for hours afterwards. oooh, and the onion bell pepper lard burps are oh so tasty and fragrant. but i digress. this wasnt about good machaca. this was about some dried up stringy bullshheeeeeiiieeeeiiiitt.

see, the key to good machaca, is the tenderness and juicyness of the meat. oh, and the seasoning of the meat. oops, and the right blend of onions and peppers and egg. that's right motherbitches i said egg. they throw egg up in that bitch and sometimes cheese. Tony's served it with your choice of rice beans or hash brown potatos. and ive never had it with the papas so i was like potato! fucken big mistake.

first off the meat was HELLA STRINGY. i mean, its supposed to be shredded beef but you shouldnt have to gnaw on it like some goddamn mexican beef jerky. the meat was dry and there was absolutely no flavor to the meat. plus she asked me if i wanted egg with it. motherfucker hell yeah i want egg on that thing give it some semblance of juicyness you fucken torta. no no. im sorry. that was uncalled for. the waitress was cool. but anyways, fuck it. goddamn no flavor having burrito making mother-effers. fix that shit right goddammit. you realize the impact my blog will have on your business?!? i am the jesus h christ of this shit. i make whiskey from water you miserable shits. yeah, so anyways, i thought the potato would balance out the rich flavors of shredded beef sitting in a vat of warm lard. instead it just doubled up on the blandness of the whole thing. i was so disappointed.

ok, i cant fault my new white friend. he was a real cool cat. but you cannot find a new england white boy that can adequately select good mexican food. its impossible. simple as that. they might now a thing or two about coal fired new haven pizza though. or so i hear...

yeah motherfuckers. i stole this picture from some other piece of shit blogger asswipe that scooped me on the krua thai review. excpet my review will kick his stupid shit in the ballsack. so get on my hype.

so here it is. krua thai. i went with bim bim cuz that fool jonathan gold said it was good last year and i trust that fruit's opinion. and he did not dissapoint.

that picture youre seeing the the krua thai pad thai. its got all kinds of shit in it like shrimp, tofu, ground pork, them lil fishy-ass dried shrimps, you name it. but who gives a shit about the food. let's talk about the important shit. the waitresses.

my fellers, jimmy your fat ass off that couch and run down to krua thai [13130 Sherman Way North Hollywood, CA 91605 (818)759-7998]. they got some HOT thai waitresses in that shit. and they squeeze their tiny asses into an all black lycra thing. service is pretty good too. like, the menu is so huge we didnt know what to order so i asked the hot waitress what it do and she hooked that shit up. all trying to give shiggy the sex-eye and shit so i took it in the walk in fridge and worked it out on a bed of bean sprouts. by the way, stay away from the peanut sauce for at least 2 or 3 weeks. im just sayin.

and if that wasnt good enough. lo and behold three 4 ft tall asian chicks with fucken balloon titties come clickity clackin through the door. porn stars i tell you. i mean, sure they were nasty and had their shit stretched out so that their nipples were pointed straight up at the ceiling, but god dammit porn star tang and thai ice tea are the perfect combo to these santa ana winds type of afternoons. i mean, i got sweaty with these skanks on the patio and ate grilled tilapia out their asses. so necessary. so in closing.

Krua Thai
Food: 9/10
Service: 9/10
Hotness of Waitress: 9/10
Porn Star Clientele: 7/10